There is a small pile of envelopes and folded papers in a box on the bench at the end of our bed (the last part of that sentence sounds super Dr. Seuss-y). These are the remnants of our Christmas letters and address list. It is time for me to clear off this clutter. But I am having a hard time clearing off the clutter.

I am having a hard time because of all the people I considered crossing off my list this year.

Let me back up. (Beep, beep, beep.) Sometime in December (okay let’s be honest, I didn’t get my cards out in December). Sometime in January I was diligently addressing envelopes, one by one, and drawing little check marks after completion. I was check-marking happily along until I was proverbially slapped in the face. Eyes welled, throat constricted, stomach clenched.

The slap came when I came to an address halfway down the page titled “Family.” I came to the address of my aunt and uncle. My aunt died last year on December 26th. Then a few more columns down I came to my cousin and her family. Her husband died the April before. My eyes continued to scan. When I got to the “College” section I saw the name of my friend’s mom who died, then another friend’s dad.

I didn’t want to cross those names off the list.

So I keep seeing the clutter when I walk in to our bedroom. Sometimes I tear up (as in watery eyes; don’t worry, I didn’t rip the list). Sometimes I smile and think of special memories. I think of my Aunt Shirley playing tour guide for my college basketball team when we played in a tournament in Fairbanks, because she was always the most gracious and wonderful hostess. Of the first time my family met my cousin’s Amy new boyfriend, Micah, and how we all whispered and giggled and shared approval of him after dinner. Of how everyone wanted to dance with Dale at my wedding reception, because he was the best dancer and loved when everyone was having fun. Of how Mama Judy would bring her young grandson Dylan down for hugs after games, because she was such a proud grandma and mom.

It is time to clear up the clutter (because my parents are coming this weekend, so I have to clean the house). And when I print my address list for next year’s holiday cards, I will scroll and scan and see all the names. And whether I decide then to edit or not, those names won’t every really be erased.