We have had a thirteen year-old in the house for a couple months now, and it has been fascinating watching her interact with and [try to] make sense of this crazy world. One reason it is so fascinating is because I have quite a few memories of being that age myself! (All the things my parents used to say—true. Who would have thought?) One truth I am observing and rediscovering is one of the biggest fears of preteens and teens is to be ranked, judged, and compared to one another. 

This last spring we attended several track meets. (If you are someone who is not familiar with middle and high school track meets, they are essentially gatherings where teenagers are ranked, judged, and compared to one another.) There are several events throughout the day where kids run, throw, or jump as fast and as far as they can. As you can imagine, our daughter exhibited and shared an array of emotions and fears throughout her first track season. “I’m too slow!” “I’m too weak!” “I don’t want to do this!” “It’s too hard!” “The coach(es) will be mad at me if [insert self-conscious yet irrational concern here].”   

My spouse and I have consistent conversations surrounding why we do, in fact, encourage (and let’s be honest, sometimes flat-out force) our kids to participate in activities like this. Why do we intentionally place our children in situations where feelings of self-doubt and apprehension will crop up? Where stress and nervous anticipation are a given?

We keep coming back to the same conclusion: our goal as parents is to raise kids who are resilient, resourceful, (and some other word that ideally starts with an ‘r’ and means a person who is able to work hard, stay disciplined, be part of a team/group, handle adversity, et cetera). Thankfully we are in a position where our kids are rarely confronted with situations that are extreme or intense, or where the outcomes ride on how they respond or take action. We are thankful for this, yes, but then how do we rear people who possess these vital skills? We want them to be able to handle tough stuff the “real world” will throw at them when they go off on their own. We would like to provide our kids with strategies, experiences and tools they can use when the stakes are higher. As parents, we continue to ask ourselves: 

• How do I expose my kids to situations where they can learn how to deal with stress and anxiety in a healthy way? 

• What traits do I desire my children to acquire?  

• How do I provide experiences for my kids where they will be stretched so they can figure out what that looks like and feels like for them?  

• How can I offer opportunities for my children to struggle—even fail—then figure out how to overcome the struggle, to get back up, to try again?

Sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees, to be sure. Sometimes I feel so frustrated and exasperated with a child arguing and complaining and telling me, “I don’t want to!” that my first instinct is to shout back, “Fine, then you don’t have to!” 

Inevitably I realize that though this response might feel like the easy way out in the moment, it will likely not serve them best in the long run (see what I did there? Trees = emotions and conflict in the moment; forest = long run and overall well-being). I really want my kiddos to become independent adults who can tackle situations with resilience, resourcefulness, and any other ‘r’ words that might apply.

So for now, I will continue to highly encourage them to participate in athletics, music, theater, student leadership, and the like—because these are currently the spaces that we have available to us that best serve this purpose—in hopes they will be stronger, more well-rounded citizens because of it. Meanwhile, here's hoping I can stay strong the next time one of my offspring whines, “Why do I have to do this?!” and simply respond, “Because I said so!”

They will thank me later, right?