June 6, 2021

As we prepare for an upcoming family summer trip, we are encouraging our daughter to communicate details with her sports coaches and babysitting employers. This is causing her quite a bit of anxiety. She feels nervous, scared and inadequate when it comes to having important conversations with adults. She wants us to have the conversations for her.

While we are not going to have the conversations for her, my husband did give her cross country coach a heads up. Her coach is all for having the conversation. He stated that one of his goals is to provide opportunities for student-athletes to acquire effective communication skills. He told my husband, “These kids tell us some, but they need to tell us more.” 

I love this. I love thinking about how we—as caring and active adults in our community—can intentionally collaborate with other adults in our kids’ lives.

• How can we provide space and opportunities for kids to engage in conversations and learn to communicate clearly?

• How can we help kids develop and hone effective conversation skills?

• How can we support and encourage not only our own children, but all children in our community?

We often hear references to the adage, “It takes a village,” because it really does take a village. If my kids only ever had interactions with my husband and me, it is safe to say their understanding of how and ability to communicate with adults would be skewed. Part of functioning in society in a healthy way includes understanding social cues, monitoring when it is appropriate to use a formal register versus a casual register, knowing when to talk, knowing when to listen, and on and on. And like any skill, this takes practice. 

When we tell our kids they need to talk to another adult, their initial response is to push back. (For the record, let’s acknowledge this is not an M.O. limited to kids and teenagers.) We all push back initially when introduced to new ideas, people, experiences, and the daunting endeavor of engaging in intentional conversations. My spouse and I are trying our best to be realistic about interactions and expectations. When our kids push back and share concerns, instead of bringing up why said situation is “not so bad” or immediately pointing out the positive attributes (which certainly isn’t a bad thing to do, but stay with me here), we instead try to call a spade a spade. When we acknowledge that a task feels challenging, we validate our kids’ feelings and fears:

• “Yes, that does sound challenging. How are you going to prepare for this challenge?”

• “What pieces do you need to think through?” 

• “What support do you need? How can we support you?”

And since I have been staring at the computer screen and watching the cursor blink forever, because I can’t think of a good ending, I will simply repeat: it takes a village!