I have been struggling. Struggling during this time of world pandemic, national pre-election anticipation, economic uncertainty and ahh! I struggle. There is a lot of grief. I feel a lot of grief inside myself, and I feel it all around me. I pray constantly about how I can be bold and loving at the same time, within my sphere of influence. I pray for discernment about what my role is, as a beloved child of God, as far as how/when to act and when to talk or not. It feels exhausting.
The good that has come from all this grief (Charlie Brown) is: I have learned A LOT. When I feel uncomfortable about a situation, opinion, or topic, it helps me to research, read, and try to learn as much as I can. I try to enter intentionally into meaningful conversations and listen to people’s stories. I have been drinking through the proverbial fire hose, trying to inform myself about terms like “electoral college,” “wedge issues,” “one-issue voters,” “fragility,” “emotional hijacking,” “victim mode,” (turns out I can be really fragile at times, and then I tend to flip to “victim mode;” this is a pattern I am working really hard on breaking, as I wish I weren’t so quick to feel offended or defensive), what someone means when he or she refers to “the Left” or “the Right,” “conservative” or “liberal,” and on and on and on. So many labels, and I wonder if my definitions for certain labels are the same as someone else’s, but don’t always know how to ask. This all takes so much energy. Exhausting, I say!
My spouse Jeremy shared a beautiful prayer a couple Sundays ago, based on Hannah’s prayer in 1 Samuel. His prayer comforted and encouraged me to write out my own prayers. I ended up with a song that I have been singing over and over these last couple weeks. It is important to acknowledge and name our grief, and then it is important to find space where we can share and lament. When is the last time you have taken the time to pull in a deep breath and done some lamenting? Go ahead and give it a try.
Jeremy’s prayer, based on Hannah’s prayer in 1 Samuel:
Lord, I love living in these Black Hills. This is one of the most beautiful places in the world, and we get to live here! Lord, I am satisfied that the Houston Astros lost out! Lord, I am so glad that our friend Sheila made it through her surgery on Monday and that she is feeling better now, but I was worried earlier this week. We love her and don’t want to lose her. Lord, I am ready for the election to be over. I don’t like the way I feel or think about my own sisters and brothers when I read or listen to the news these days. Lord, I hate this COVID. My heart hurts for my colleague in a small town in Montana that has had six elders die in the last week, four in the last three days.
My song: “Hold Me (I Need You)” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGHP7EBVxcQ
I wake up tired
My soul feels weak
I think about this crazy world
Man, it can feel so bleak
I’m overwhelmed
My hands feel tied
It seems like everybody’s forcing me
To choose a side
What can I do?
What should I say?
I hate that I don’t know
If everything will be okay
And where are You?
Oh, where are You?
Yeah, I need You
I’m right, you’re wrong
It’s black and white
But where’s the gray
And where’s the love
See, I don’t want to fight
My tears come fast
My heart is worn
How will we mend so many rips
When everything seems torn
This tension holds me taut
I feel stuck in between
How can I help those lost
Forgotten and not seen
I am tired
Hold me, hold me
I am tired
Hold me, hold me
Wish I were brave
And not so scared
Wish I knew when this brokenness
Is going to be repaired
So hold me now
I need some rest
Give me Your truth, give me your hope
Remind me You are best
Tell me what to do
Tell me what to say
I love that you assure me
It will be okay
I just need You
Oh, I need you
Yeah, I need You
